On Friendship

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These words are for you, my friend.BFF

I miss you.

I know that you are reading and thinking. I know that you are there.

Not so very long ago, the pieces that you knew of me made sense. But now when you read, you wander, and you wonder if you ever really knew me.

It is hard for me too, you know.

The gates are opening now, little by little, bits at a time. But there is a wall between you and me, a strong wall, a wall of differences, a wall of silence.

I hate that wall, that wall that I built with my words.

It is my fault that you feel this way and not a day goes by when I wish I had never ever dared to say the things I say here, because it costs too much.

I am stepping on the things you trust, what you feel in your bones and know in your heart.

I always said that good friends don’t need to talk, we can go days and months and years apart, all the while knowing that at any day we can reach and touch together.

I am afraid now. Afraid that I have stretched us too much, afraid we can never be again.

I don’t know what to say to you, how to explain that I am the same even when I am different. That I wish wrong and right and black and white had never been created. That I didn’t hide things on purpose, that I never meant to separate our lives like this, it just happened that way.

You don’t what to say me, how to tell me that I am wrong, that deep inside I know better, that my life has blinded me, that with all your heart you can’t wait for me to come back, and that you are so very sure that one day I will – because we both believe in prayer and miracles.

My friend, I cry when I write, because that will not be. I am not turning back, I am not coming home.

This is me now, and I am asking too much for you to give.

I am here now and forever, and when you are ready, I am waiting.

I love you my friend, always have and always will.