On Fire

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FireIt’s lonely to be alone, but echos in the empty cave pierce my ears and it’s easier to hope and it’s always, always, quieter in the silence.

They ask me and I am fine, because truth unravels and what other answer could there possibly be.

I thought that running meant leaving, I forgot that the world isn’t flat and round and round we go.

It’s not time, and it’s not silence, and it’s not sleep, and it’s not distance, but I keep thinking that one day I will find the cure for cancer, I am naive like that.

Today I think I’ll eat some chocolate, maybe that will work.

He wants me gone, he always did, and they always will, and fire smothers and burns.

On Pain 

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Sometimes. The. Pain. Is. Just. Too. Much.

On Scales

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scalesIt seemed like there was always too many things to buy and too little money to buy them. It was like a giant scale, take off the magazines and put on a pair of gloves, one looseleaf equals a jar of pickles, the taxi instead of the bus means no paper plates. Take something off, put something on, careful careful.

You’d think you would get used to it, that constant counting, but you never do and the piles all jumble and all you want to do is sleep.

It was cold that inky night, that bitter cold that cracks your words, but the walls were closing in so out we had to go.


On Custody 

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  1. May 26, 2009. Brooklyn Family Court. Petition for Custody.
  2. August 27, 2009. Brooklyn Family Court. Petition for Custody.
  3. September 16, 2009. Supreme Court of New York. Summons with Notice for Divorce.
  4. November 6, 2009. Supreme Court of New York. Verified Complaint for Divorce.
  5. August 14, 2017. Superior Court of New Jersey. Motion for Custody Pending Order for Relocation.

So far he has sued me for custody FIVE times. This was one response.

The Plaintiff has stated that the living arrangements of our children are “unsafe and unwise” and that I am not a “suitable parent.” I wholeheartedly deny the entirety of his allegations.

It is difficult to conclusively define a “suitable parent.” The temperaments and needs of the children, the nature of the parents, and the circumstances of the home, are all contributing factors. Despite the best of intentions, it is impossible for us as parents to consistently measure up to our own self-imposed standards. I love our children unconditionally, provide for them in the best way that I can and I do my utmost to always be there when they need me.


On Chains

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WomanChainsIn the beginning I never thought that the chains would come, and at the end I never thought that they would go. No one ever told me it would be like this, that my dreams would turn to ashes and come to bury my soul.

The Orthodox world that I see today is nothing like the way of life that I was taught to love. I thought of devotion and fulfillment, of kindness and trust, of give and take, of right and wrong, but I came to see deception and falsehood, cruelty and dishonesty, commands and consequences.

I didn’t think that I was meant to live a life of sadness, that I was meant to stand still and quiet when I finally realized that nothing was going to change and that every day would just bring more of the same.

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